A Second Chance

An old dream, a new passion—going after it may take nerves of steel, but the reward is a pearl beyond price

I have to keep reminding myself of this because I find myself slipping.  Second chances rarely happen by chance.  The first time might be pure luck but they are notorious for fizzling out.   This is when you learn that luck will only take you so far.

 

I really want a shot at becoming who I really am and I’ve taken massive steps to do this.  What troubles me is that I still am stinging from what Dave did to me last summer.  I know, I know and I don’t want him back and I’ve made that clear, but it’s hard to grasp how deceitful some people can be.  I mean, I know they are, but I feel like I should have been able to see it sooner.   I remember how much fun I had last Spring and Summer….how much I laughed and enjoyed myself and I’m grateful for that time no matter how it ended.  What still lingers is how easily I was taken in by someone’s dysfunction.

 

It’s in my head and at time stops me from becoming who I really am.  I let the negative creep in and I thought I was finished with it.

 

I guess what I’m wanting is an explanation and the rational me knows I won’t get one.  The emotional me thinks I deserve it.  I’ve learned that an idea, ideas alone, can break me out of that state of being.  However, the idea that perhaps I’m not destined to be in a long-term, committed relationship with a man has entered my thoughts.  Maybe I’m just not cut out for it even though I sincerely want it.  Maybe I don’t want it enough to change myself enough.

 

I know that first chances contain seeds for a second, and a third, and a fourth.  That is what I believe.  I truly hope these seeds are durable. 

 

“

Many years ago, a young man in his teens set out on a journey through the mountains. He’d walked for a day and a night when he came upon a cave covered by brambles. Rushing up, he cleared away the vines, and as light streamed in he was dumbfounded to see the largest, most lustrous pearl imaginable. He reached for it, then quickly jumped back as he realized the pearl was grasped in the claws of a ferocious dragon. The dragon’s eyes burned yellow. It roared. He turned and fled.

Returning home, he went into his father’s business. His life prospered, but he never forgot the cave. Many years later, he decided to see if he could find it again and set out for the mountains. He walked for a day and night, then lo and behold! he spied the cave. Creeping up, he slowly pulled back the vines. As the light streamed in, he was astonished to see that the dragon was only a tiny creature. Reaching down, he took the pearl. “

“That is the pearl of great price.  The great price is the struggle to be true to yourself.”

 

For years starting in 2001 I couldn’t fully come back to life. In limbo, I had the sensation of being muffled in plasticine. I could see out. Nobody could get in. I’d gotten too good at living in the present when that was all I could be certain I had. Now when it was reasonable to make plans, I didn’t. Life washed over me.

 

I wanted to barrel into my second chances, time be damned, roaring forward on passion as fuel.   Part of that came to me December 23 2010; it was a harsh and scary lesson but I needed to feel that bad, that panicked that I would take myself to the emergency room….I was sure that I was having a heart attack and I didn’t want to die.  I prayed in the car, on the walk from the car into the doors of the ER, when I was whisked back into a treatment room.  I was praying hard…”God, I’ll change, I’ll be different, please let me live.”

 

I was so scared that when I approached the reception desk in the ER and finally said what I was thinking, “I think I’m having a heart attack”, I started crying. 

 

That was then and this is now and now I need the boost. 

It’s through passion that a second chance takes you out of your small self and into your larger self. 

These moments don’t happen unless you’re ready for them. You have to do the hard work, before and after. 

 

But I seem stuck emotionally….and I know why and I know what I need to do. 

 

Mother’s Day

Sometimes I become angry at my Mother.

The reason is that she left me too soon.  I was too young.  I know that sounds selfish and it is but on days like today, her birthday, my birthday, Thanksgiving, I wish she were here.

She’s been gone eight years.

Her mother lived to by in her 90′s….my Dad’s mother lived to be in her late 80′s and I always thought that would be the way of my parents.

Today is Mother’s Day and I miss her so much.  When I made strawberry shortcake I thought of her and how much Mother’s Day and homemade strawberry shortcake are synonymous with Ellen.

It was a lovely day with family and playing volleyball.  I still have the serve….I don’t really have the sideway quick motion since the knee surgery.  But I had fun and really enjoyed showing Evie how to correctly bump a ball.

I made the comment that we have all had wonderful grandparents….all four generations of the girls have had amazing grandparents.

So I’m not really too angry with Mom as her dying wasn’t really her fault.  I understand, Mom.  I felt you with us today….and the happiness, and love, and compassion you have taught us has remained in the center of our lives.  Your girls are good, your grandchildren are amazing, and your great grandchildren are incredible.  I know you watch over them…..of that I have no doubt.

 

 

Friday thoughts

 

I have never dated anyone from another race before.  I’m not exactly sure why….but I haven’t in my 30 plus years of dating. 

A month ago I started working at another company and have developed a fast friendship with James.  And for him it is turning into something more. 

He is well educated, athletic, kind, funny and amazingly handsome.  He played pro-football after college as a Defensive Back.  He has two daughters both attending college.

At our age would there it be an issue?  At this point in my life do I care? 

I must admit, surprisingly, it makes me nervous.

The Italian Sandwich Shop

Today at lunch I ran over to a family owned restaurant that specializes in incredible sandwiches, soups, and salads.  The owner is Italian…not from Italy Italian, but 1st Generation.  I have no idea how he ended up in Claremore, Oklahoma.  But he did and he has a great restaurant that serves breakfast and lunch only.

After I placed my order I sat at a huge oak table to read the newspaper.  Out of the men’s room came a tall older man who addressed me as “young lady.”  I find that very nice.  We chatted about the paper and I offered up the Business section and the Sports section which I had, but he told me he had already read both and was interested in the front page. 

He addressed the waitresses as they greeted him as “Sug” short for Sugar. 

The owner of the restaurant came over to the table to chat with this man and he looked at me and said, “this is the man’s table, what are you doing here?”  I told him I didn’t realize it was reserved and that I should be allowed to stay because it was only my second time in the shop and I was reading the Sports & Business section. 

I just love that type of banter back and forth and done with much respect.

When my to-go lunch was handed to me I wished the man seated at the table with me a nice weekend and he said, “you too Sug”

Love it.

 

The old woman, her dog, and the porch swing

I now drive into a small town to work and from the interstate I wind through the neighborhoods.  Early this morning I drove past a house slowly and an elderly woman was seated on her front porch swing with a cup of coffee and an old dog on her lap.  They  both were just watching cars drive by and the kids walking to school.

I thought how wonderful it would be just to sit out on a porch swing instead of the rush to get to work.  She seemed happy, content, and relaxed.

I thought about her today, when my day was getting busy, or I was seated in a meeting….and I smiled.

 

Sunday

Today as I sit here in my shorts and Nike t-shirt, no makeup on, hair is disarray, and barefooted, I feel very pleased with the recent choices I have made.

My job is hectic and busy and I love it.  I am so happy I made the switch from consulting to production.  I am contributing daily and that I love.  I feel alive again in my profession.

My friends are precious to me and though I haven’t had a great deal of time lately to spend with anyone, I do try to communicate in some manner with them.

Seated next to J last Thursday, popcorn buckets between us, watching Casablanca, I thought how great it is to have such a good friend that I can share the little things with that I enjoy tremendously.  Thank J for such a great night.  I loved it.

My family is wonderful and again, the love I have for them, especially E and C for being five and three and running to their Auntie TC for hugs and kisses each time they see me, or each time I leave.

I find pleasure in the simple things like riding my new bicycle.  Yesterday after an intense workout at my gym and errands, I jumped on my new bike, strapped on my rather cool helmet and peddled to the street I group up on and started at the top of the hill and rode down.  I considered taking my hands off the bars like I did when I was 10, but then decided not to.  The thrill of riding down that hill again made me laugh.  

The one thing I do know now is that I can start over and that live begins today, each day.

Now it’s time for brushing my teeth, doing something with my hair, and getting outside.

Oh, another thing I’m pleased with is that I have grown two types of oregano, curry, and broccoli.

It’s the little things.

 

 

Life IS Good

Last Monday I began my latest and last job.  I was burning out in the consulting world, not enjoying work.  I loved my co-workers and they kept me there about a year longer than I intended.  Luckily, the new position came available and I wanted it.  I got it.

I spent the past week wading into the deep end of the pool at the new company.  New people, new staff, new computer, new rules, new new new.  I awaken excited to go to work.

New beginnings are often difficult and cause that jittery, butterfly sensation in my stomach.  I realized I’m not the only person that had these based on my new management position.  My new staff probably is wondering who I am and what I’m all about.  That is why I called a quick meeting with all of us in a conference room to tell them what I expect….and what they can expect from me.

Friday evening I came home, got into my pajamas, got it very cool in the house, pulled my favorite quilt over my legs and lay on the sofa and watched a movie.  I realized life doesn’t get better.

I met with a close friend for lunch yesterday at Phill’s Diner….and thought, life is really good.  Because it’s the simple things that make it so.

Lunch with friends, good wine, good books, good movies to pop into the DVD player, old quilts, snuggly dogs, no makeup, old tennis shoes, my recipe books….these things are important to me.

Love….love is important and love is good.  Now I focus more on the giving than the receiving.

Serenity and peace, friendship, kindness and love.  These are my focus.  Life is indeed good.

 

 

You Have Such a Good Personality

Yesterday one of my co-workers congratulated me on my new job.  Then he said, “I will miss you.  You have such a good personality.”

He was sincere and kind and I’ve liked Felix since he started here several months ago.

I’ve tried throughout my life to be fun to be with and I think I’ve succeeded most of the time.  Granted there have been times when I’ve felt rotten but instead of putting on a front for others I just kept to myself.

This past 15 months I’ve taken some life changing steps and continue to move on and up.  I’ve tried to change negative behavior that I was immersed in and make everything a positive situation.    I read this about five months back and have it posted to read every day when I get ready:  More Smiles, Less Anger / More Chewing, Less Eating / More

More Love, Less Hatred / More Fun, Less Serious / More Forgiving, Less Blaming

I have made mistakes and I have tried to make amends.  Sometimes, being sorry, being honest and sincere don’t matter.  And I’m dealing with that.  I let someone very important in my life down….and I’m trying to make it right.  Sometimes the person affected doesn’t want you in their life.  That is hard for me to swallow.

I know in my heart that love should be enough.  Honest, caring , compassionate, every lasting, love given should be enough.  Maybe it is, but past transgressions aren’t easily forgiven.

But you see I know my heart now and I know how much love I have to give….not perfect love as I am very far from perfect.

I am sending this out into the universe to tell you I love you and my head, heart, and soul are right and full of light.  I am your friend and will always be there if you need me.  I will help you, listen to you, and treat you with respect always.  That is who I am.

 

Life….renewed

I thought that this time of year, so close to Good Friday and Easter Sunday, was a good time to talk about life.

If one believes in an immortal soul that is implanted at the moment of conception, and if personhood is determined by the presence of that immortal soul, then there is little difference, in effect, between terminating a week-old pregnancy or killing a living, breathing person. Rational members of the pro-life movement do acknowledge that there is a difference in intent–abortion would be, at worst, involuntary manslaughter rather than murder–but the consequences, i.e. the death of a human person, are regarded by pro-lifers in much the same way.

What troubles me is that according to a study conducted by the Guttmacher Institute, 68% of women who have abortions in the United States say that they cannot afford to have children and 27% cite this as their primary reason for terminating the pregnancy. 20% cite health reasons. 38% are young women either hiding pregnancies from their parents, or ordered by their parents to terminate their pregnancies.  So pro-choice and pro-life advocates are failing miserably.

It has always disgusted me when people used abortion as birth control.  But those women are few and far between….yes, they exist.

One of the best-kept secrets of the pro-life and pro-choice movements is that the two movements ultimately overlap to the extent that they share the goal of reducing the number of abortions. They differ only with respect to degree and methodology.

Unfortunately, politicians benefit more from having two polarized, angry movements than they do from having two less polarized, less angry movements.

We live in a culture today where the decision not to have sex is seen as ridiculous. Abstinence is the default choice, and the pro-choice movement has an obligation to make it a socially acceptable choice.

Likewise, the pro-life movement has been so tangled up in policy objectives that it has failed to actually reduce the number of abortions.

The debate over abortion rights is ugly, the gap between pro-choice and pro-life too vast for meaningful dialogue, the differences too fundamental for compromise. Which means, of course, that it’s a perfect issue to be exploited by politicians on both sides of the aisle. This tempts all of us to tune out the abortion rights debate, but behind all this noise and demagoguery is the very real and very important issue of balancing personal rights with potential new life.  If we do no believe in murder, then how do we condone abortion?  This question was raised to me several weeks ago by my Priest.

It is likely that abortion will largely disappear in this country during the 21st century–not because it has been banned, but simply because it has been rendered obsolete due to the advances in birth control.

But there is more to this Pro-Choice v Pro-Life debate.  There is also the subject of the death penalty.  I am against it.  However, I am “for” making a convicted murderer pay for his heinous act.

It amazes me the number of “good Christians” that are so politically Pro-Life….and yet so intent on Capitol Punishment.

This time of year is about rebirth, beginnings, and the sanctity of that life.  

What if….????

“Accept—then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it…This will miraculously transform your whole life.”

My sister and I learned a long time ago that worrying did little, if any, good.  Our mother worried constantly.  It drove my sister and I nuts.

She would fret, and worry, and agonized over things she couldn’t control.

Instead of fretting about not getting everything done I realized a long time ago that everyone is busy and to concentrate on one thing, dive into it, get it done and let the worrying stop.

When I feel myself starting to worry or fret, I redirect my attention to something else.  I used to be the person that wanted to do everything on my own.  I never asked for help.  I always wanted to be perfect and asking for help meant I wasn’t.  (at least in my mind).    However, I was always available for others if they needed assistance, no matter how big or how small.

Are people who help me my crutches? heck yes.  I need them.  If I worry about needing help or asking for it, if I worry about people knowing I went to a therapist on and off since 2010, then I get myself out of that mindset.  None of us can do this alone.  Doing it alone is LONELY.

I’ve learned that I blossom when loved….and others that I love blossom when I give my love…not my worrying and not my criticism.

My mother’s constant worrying was inherited from her mother.  Luckily my sister and I didn’t inherit that gene….but perhaps another offspring did.  I wish she wouldn’t worry.  Worry teaches worry.

Worrying over appearance is one that the entire nation has gone crazy over.  It’s silly.  Basically how I look is based on my genetic makeup.  On top of that taking care of myself helps not only the way I look, but the way I feel.  I have learned a little trick.  Instead of obsessing over the way I look, I notice the beauty in others and point it out to them.  You will be amazed at how people respond…and warm to you.  Honestly, people will adore you and that is what worrying about how you look was about anyway.

When we fixate on the past, we never lay it to rest.  I cannot change my past especially by worrying about it.  I can move forward and up.  Now, I look forward, focusing on what I’ve learned from my past and moving on.  Releasing that burden is amazing.

It is what it is.  It was what it was.

I cannot help what people are saying about me.  My grandmother used to say, “if someone is talking about you they are leaving someone else alone.”  I love that.  Go ahead, talk away….I’m strong, I’m tough.  Others might not be.  It really is a waste of energy to care what others are saying.

Take a breath, and allow some of the stress and worry to leave you.  I am absolutely positive I can transform my life, improve it, by altering my thoughts.

Yesterday I wrote down my goals for this summer.  I heard once that a goal isn’t real until it is written.  I came up with a list of seven goals, printed it, and it hangs where I will see it each day.

Once a goal is reached I will mark it off and keep it hanging to show that I accomplished my goal….and move forward.

But I’m not going to worry about it.