Buddha, The Old Testament, Christ, Mary and Me

ImageSelf discovery goes on like the marking of time.  You would think by the time you reach 50 that all the discovery is gone…not so my friends.  Lately I have become a much more practicing spiritualist.  I am far from pious but I rely upon prayer, reading, and meditation to ease my troubled mind and lower my stress.  Perhaps that is what it has always been used for and mixing it up across different spiritual boundaries helps me draw it all together.

Tonight I go for my hour of adoration at the Chapel of Peace and I’m taking two books; one by the Dalai Lama and one entitled “Understanding Judaism “.  It occurred to this good Catholic girl that I have never read the Torah or the Talmud and I should.  I have never understood those that condemn a belief without studying it.   Trust me, I’m not planning on condemning Buddhism or Judaism…I am just incorporating lessons into my life to make me stronger.20131010_174529

I Need Your Hug

the power that is shared by a hug, a touch, is amazing.  It can make you feel love, safety, warmth. compassion, and a spiritual connection.  

Hugs have a healing power.  A hug that communicated trust, love, compassion and support.  A hug that had your arms enveloped around another so warmly you could feel the others reciprocation melt back into your own being?   A hug that needed no words to be uttered, no sound to be made and no explanations to be stated?

Your hug fosters trust, acceptance and security.  It heals the pain, the wounds and the soul.

To Whom It Does Concern

Everything about our friendship is special to me.  Your happiness is important to me….it is how I am constructed.  It is disheartening to me when my friends are sad.  I cannot fix you, but I can care; I do care.

What I said today to you was meant not as a joke.  I was completely serious.

I know it isn’t like me.  But my feelings for you are strong.  You know that.

I was an idiot a year ago.  I am paying for my mistake.  I should have tried, but I was afraid.  I was afraid it wouldn’t matter.  You see Dave stung me deeply and rocked my confidence.  The normal me would have told you, would have tried.  

Your embrace is strong and powerful and loving and it does make me feel safe.

You know you always have a place with me.  I am right here.  For you.

You Never Forget the Breathing

Imagetoday I received word that a friend of mine was in ICU and that they were moving him into Hospice.  He suffered from 4th stage stomach cancer that had moved to his liver and lungs.

I went to the hospital and walked into a very small room on the Oncology floor and he lay in the bed, the ashen grey pallor told me a lot.  I leaned down over him and said, “Mike, it’s Patrice.”  He was deeply medicated but rallied a bit at my voice and reached out as to hug me.  I kissed his cheek and held his hand and he started to talk….but the drugs were doing their job and he rambled something about not understanding the program and if they would tell him the program he could work it.  I stood holding his hand as he fell back asleep.  

I looked around and saw the bags of dextrose, morphine and haldol.  I knew.  They were medicating him to keep him out of pain and to wait.  Death was close.  I knew it by his color, and his breathing.

You never forget the breathing.  

I have seen several people die, actually in the room when their live’s passed over and it is a frightening, fascinating experience  Each type is different.  But the breathing is always the same.  

Mike was 50 and had stomach cancer that spread to his liver and lungs.  He was amazingly strong and fought the good fight…always sure he would win.  

I went out to the waiting area while the nurse changed the bags and noticed he had no kidney output.  

His mother sat on the sofa in the waiting area and I sat with her and held her hand while she talked to me.  I felt that I couldn’t do anything for her son but say goodbye and thank him for being such a good man and such a fighter.

I sat as she gripped my hand and listened to her.  The nurse came out and told his mother that if she noticed any discomfort or moans, to let them know and that they would increase the drugs.  This is the part where those of us that have been trough it know…he’s going…and they are going to make it as easy as possible.  Haldol and Morphine.  One to eliminate pain, one to eliminate agitation.  He wouldn’t be coming back from that.  

I went back to his room and gathered my purse and put my hand on his arm….and I said, “goodbye” and then I closed my eyes still holding his arm and prayed that he would go quickly.

Three hours later I received the news that he was gone….gone to a better place…out of pain and free.  And the horrible breathing….the sound of life leaving a person…is gone.  

I asked my sister if because we had been with so many family members when they died, if that made us immune to breaking down.  She said, it makes us unafraid of death and empathetic to those going through it.

That is it.  That is what my heart told me….comfort, comfort, comfort.  Touch his family and him.  Hold their hands and listen to them.  I asked them if they were ok, if there was anything that I could do.  

Life is hard and wonderful and so is death.  Nothing brings back their loved one, but surrounding the dying and the family with love is the best legacy.

Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.Image

So Much Better Now

I am so pleased with my major decisions and though they might seem rather self-centered….they are.  It is the only way to become and stay mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy.

You are gone.

You are back.

You know who you are and how those apply.

You are gone because it is done, over.  I said I wouldn’t go back to that place and I meant it.  My heart will always have love in it for you, I just cannot have you in my life because everything wrong ISN’T my fault.  Hypocrisy knows no limits.  Point the finger at yourself because you can no longer point it at me for a response.  My response is to ignore.

You are back.  Because we are good for each other and we make each other laugh.  We make each other strive to be our best selves.  

You are out there, hovering on the boundary, still a shadowy image but a powerful force in my life.  Mistakes and bad decisions interrupted our relationship.  But mistakes can be overcome and bad decision, learned from.  On my end, I will be the best I can be…not just for you, but especially for me….and I will always be kind, and supportive and welcoming you back.  

I am strong, committed, and confident, again.  Wow, that is an amazing feeling to have back in my life.  I like it.  

Be patient with me, I promise you, it will be worth the wait.  



This Old Heart of Mine

Love Hearts In Nature

Been broke a thousand times….well not a thousand, but a few.  It is amazing how many shapes and forms a heart can take and how much it can hold.  When given freely it is a incredible gift; a precious gift.  Love Hearts In Nature

Maybe it’s a mistake or a blessing that I tell people now that I love them because I didn’t used to.

But I know this as long as you need anything I will be here to be strong.  I will hold your hand through all of life’s trials.  I am amazingly strong and silently and not so silently I will bolster you.  One day you will understand the gift you have been given freely and without reservation.  You will understand the deep abiding love and friendship and you will just know.Love Hearts In Nature

Who Knows How Long I’ve Loved You….

I am blessed with some very dear friends that I love.  Three of them specifically come to mind this morning as I ponder.  

Last night I had drinks with one who means the world to me.  His smile and laughter and joking make me laugh and feel exceptionally good.  Unfortunately we haven’t seen each other much and I miss him terribly.

What makes me sad and breaks my heart is when someone I love is in pain…lonely, unhappy, and sad.  

I don’t want you to be so sad….and I cannot fix it, but I can reach out to you, and make you laugh, and show you I care and that I love you.

I have many faults and have made many bad decisions but I’m focused right now on the woman I am and the woman I will become but it doesn’t mean I have no room in my life for you.

I feel safe when I’m with you.  I feel warm and cared for and cherished.  I am devoted to you and will always have you back.

Spirituality….whatever you call it, I think we’re called to love one another and to be happy.  As any parent, this Universe created us to be happy and healthy.  That is what I want for you….happiness.

Goodness, kindness, compassion is the Spirit that lives within us….and maybe that is what my path on this Earth is….to be good to others, to be kind, and to show compassion.

I touched your face last night and told you I wanted you to be happy and I felt that maybe by the power of touch I could share some of my spirit with yours.  

It’s all very mystical and powerful, but true.  

I could have spent the entire night sitting and talking with you, but there is an end to every time together.  But know this, today at Mass, I focused very hard on you and asked God to pour his light down on you.  I told you this once before….that I focused all my energy into creating this light that poured down and around you.  I will do so every night, to give you a light, to help fill your lonely heart, and to help you be happy.

You are so wonderful.   

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