the long and winding road

albeit my favorite Beatles tune it is also the words to my life; especially to this journey I am now on that started, really started, on December 23, 2010 as I lay in the Emergency Room in a hospital gown with electrodes stuck all over my chest, stomach, and sides.

When you are scared out of your wits that you are having a heart attack, and endure EVERY CARDIAC TEST KNOWN TO MAN, you have a silent “come to Jesus” meeting with yourself.

Why did I do this?  How did I let this happen?  Where did I lose focus?  How did I let myself get this way?  What happened to me?  If I immediately had the answers to those questions I would be perfect in mind, body, and soul.

Luckily, prayers answered, I have a great heart (physically)…it beats, it pumps blood, all the tests and all the nuclear medicine dyes injected and stress tests and MRI’s proved it to be so.  I was having panic attacks.  Yep, me.  ME???  No, I’m always the strong one.  Nothing ever bothers me.  I push bad feelings and emotions down deep inside.  Ahhhh Ha!  So after forty plus years of doing that…they all came bumbling up to the surface in the form of panic…..dizziness, nausea, a rush of adrenaline from my stomach to my chest just like when you are really frightened.  OK, the immediate resolution was to get started on Anti-anxiety medication and Xanax.  Ah, lovely Xanax.  Xanax that I took religiously for one month each night before I went to bed so I would NOT awaken with that feeling again.  Xanax which now sits up in my medicine cupboard untouched in several months….wait, I take that back.  I did take one about six weeks ago.  Meditation is now a daily ritual as well as prayer.  I don’t really know if there is a huge difference other than in meditation I concentrate on not thinking….clearing my mind and breathing.  In prayer, I specifically talk…depends on the day, but to different “people”.  Mary is a big go-to as is God…and I talk to my parents asking for guidance and help.  And recently I’ve been talking to someone else who is tied to someone I love.  I ask her for help too.  But that part is a very private part of my life….I get in the zone and I have this one trick that helps me.  I picture the person I am thinking of…and I picture a golden light surrounding them and I continue saying over and over “shine your light down on them”…..I hope it helps them.  I know it helps me as I am so focused I can almost feel the person.

So I refocused everything and I am happy.  I’ve been happier in the past four months than I’ve been in ten years.  That says a lot.  And I finally, completely let go of the man that had my heart.  I let him go out of my heart and out of my soul after sixteen years.

I thank those from the bottom of my heart that have helped me, guided me, and supported my progress is this journey.  Melissa, Jessica, Vicki, Roxanne, Ana, Kirk, James, and David.  Without you, it would have been a great deal more difficult.  But as my body diminishes, my heart expands and that is a two-fer.

So come December, watch out.  I have a big goal of December 16th…and the new year will bring a new, improved me…or should I say, and continually improving me.  


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