When I was a child, a teen, and even an adult, my mother used to call me Little Joe Rain Cloud.
IT was said to me when I encountered a streak of bad luck. Apparently the thought is that nothing works out for me so I must have a rain cloud following me.
My sister hates it when I bring that up. She is adamant that I should never have been called that by my own mother and my godmother as well.
after the last few, days, months, years….I beginning to wonder if I don’t need an exorcism. Be Strong is my mantra but since Thursday I’ve had to repeat it over and over and over. Oh and if you heard a big door slamming yesterday, that was the door to my heart, and my vulnerability, and the real true me being kicked shut. It opened just a smidge a few months ago and I made the mistake of telling the person and actually treating him with love and kindness and all the good things you do when you care deeply.
Well, no more. I’m closed for business, as they say. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and my friends and will continue to show it every day. And I will continue to be kind to strangers. But, getting to me, getting to my heart….isn’t gonna happen. I’m done.
It just isn’t worth it. The anger I experienced yesterday is never good for anyone. Especially for me. You see, I used to be this person…this other person. I was cold, and remote, and unhappy. I have worked very hard for her to go away. I think it started when I moved back home to watch my father die. That was a kick in the ass about what was really important in life. Love, kindness, compassion, HONESTY and integrity. I am my parent’s daughter. Those are the traits they instilled in my sister and me.
But that anger…I thought that kind of anger was long gone. I haven’t been that angry in years, not even lately with Will. But wow, after Thursday and yesterday, it boiled in me. After the anger, came the guilt. After the guilt came slamming of the gate and the click of the lock. The key, I threw it far away from me.
I’m not going to be vulnerable again. I won’t do it. I will not be in love again. I won’t do it. It’s just a bad idea for me. Apparently I am bad at it.
It seems those people that lie, and are insincere, always get the relationship they want.