I’m a Heathen


This I must share as it’s typical me.

Last night before I met a friend for dinner I stopped by Hobby Lobby to buy Halloween supplies to decorate.  I had about thirty minutes before I had to be at dinner so I dropped into Mardel’s Christian Store (no, they don’t actually sell Christians) to look for a Saint Michael anything.  Michael the Archangel is my favorite archangel as he kicks ass.  He is the fighter of evil, the protector of those that put themselves in harm’s way.  Come on, the prayer to him is even bad ass:

St. Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the Devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray,
and do thou,
O Prince of the heavenly hosts,
by the power of God,
thrust into hell Satan,
and all the evil spirits,
who prowl about the world
seeking the ruin of souls. Amen..

O glorious prince St. Michael,
chief and commander of the heavenly hosts,
guardian of souls, vanquisher of rebel spirits,
servant in the house of the Divine King
and our admirable conductor,
you who shine with excellence
and superhuman virtue deliver us from all evil
, who turn to you with confidence
and enable us by your gracious protection
to serve God more and more faithfully every day.

 I walked in and as I’d never been in Mardel’s before I nicely (heavy emphasis on NICE) asked the two women at the front of the store if they had any Saints.
Me:  “Do you have any Saints?”
Them:  “What?”
Me:  “Do you have any Saints?”  You know, like St. Peter, St. Michael….”
I received a look like had had three heads.
Them:  “Nooooo, you will have to get THOSE THINGS at the Catholic store.”  (said with a sneer)
Me:  (in my thoughts)  “Ok, kiss my ass.”
I wandered around seeing the nice crosses they have and since I like the old Celtic style I was going to pick up a couple to add to my wall.  My sister called and as she and I can be a bit sarcastic, sardonic, and disrespectful when together, I told her what I was doing and what they had said to me.  I then described the kind of crosses I was looking at.  In what I thought was a low voice I said to her, “so that I can turn the crosses upside down when I worship the Devil.”  Well, there was a little tiny Fundamentalist Christian sales lady standing five feet away.  They really don’t appreciate comments about Satanism in the Mardel Christian Store.  
I did buy the two crosses that I liked.  They may have been offended but still wanted to take my heathen money derived from sucking the souls out of children.
As I was paying, the manager walked up; a rather soft, unattractive, pale man.
Him: “Excuse me Ma’am.  Are you really going to do that to the crosses?”
Me:  (in my head) “yes, I am going to worship the devil you dumb-sonofabitch.  I do it in Ralph Lauren with really expensive shoes and purse with my dead mother’s diamond ring on my hand.”
Me:  (laughing)  “No, IT WAS A JOKE.”
I believe I may be banned from Mardels.  Oh well, back to the good ol’ Catholic Store where I belong….and then to sacrifice a goat.
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