A Warm Embrace of Myself

Yesterday was an interesting day; a busy and interesting day.  Again, my workouts have been kicked up a notch.  Each week I feel myself stronger and I feel better and better.  Along with the increased physical strength, comes increased mental toughness. ” Be Strong” is rewritten each time I clean the bathroom mirror and it stays up there so that I can acknowledge it several times a day.  Still, there are days, when I wish to be better faster than my body allows.  Expectations. Disappointments.

Yesterday I went to the gym after a very busy morning helping a friend.  I was already sore but went anyway and put in 20 minutes on the elliptical, bench pressed, and core and ab work.  My main focus is getting my core stronger and stronger and, of course,  increase my stamina.  Then before the football game, I jogged about a mile.

After that, when I should be pleased with the amount of work I put in each day and when I see how FAR I’ve come in a short period of time, I still let self-doubt creep in and place a shadow on me.

I WANT TO BE PERFECT NOW!  You’re not good enough yet, not good enough yet.  

Those old thoughts that bothered me before, that I thought were gone, still are hiding in the back of my mind.  So I am bringing them out and embracing them and saying to myself, “yes yes, you have a way to go….and I understand you’re always going to live inside of me.”

But then I replace them, after bringing them out into the light, with “You ARE Good Enough.”  If I don’t do this I will make myself crazy and will never find myself to measure up to impossible views of what I think I should look like.

Hey, I’m never going to be the runway model.  I cannot be 5’10” and 123 lbs. ever again.  My bone structure alone isn’t frail and thin.  I am all there.  My shoulders are broad and my hips are there.  Thanks Dad for the bone structure and thanks Mom for the hips.  I only wish I had her great bubble butt.  Wait, stop, I don’t.  I won’t.  My niece got it.  I have to look at myself now and see the good stuff.  I have great legs and arms and shoulders….my abs are getting there.  I’ve cut many inches off of the tummy.  I’ve gone down three sizes since last December.  I’ve built muscle and toned up.

I am embracing myself for the work I have accomplished…all the work.  Especially for the work I’ve done mentally.  If I hadn’t made the goals, made the promise to myself, I would still be sad and discouraged.   I embrace the strides I’ve made to get through the days of Will, and the days of the fire, the sudden need for a hysterectomy, and the loss of both parents, and all the other shit I let pack down inside of me making me into an unhappy and unhealthy woman.

Look at me.  I can only keep going…keep plugging along.  I have an amazing family that supports and loves me.  I have some great friends, both old and new.

I’m going to share one friend’s words to me the other day when I ran the mile without slowing or walking.  Kirk I am going to paraphrase:  Well of course you did!  You are strong.  You have worked hard.

Those words meant everything.  I told him so, and I told him I loved him.

I think I love people more than I used to because I’m not afraid of saying the words.

I can only be as good as I can be and that is enough.  It is enough that I’m strong and determined and stubborn and funny and smart.  It is enough that I’ve come so far.  I give myself a warm embrace when doubt creeps in and I say, “keep it up, keep going,  BE STRONG.”

Self doubts will always sneak in but the difference is I won’t let them control me.  I won’t push them down either.  I’ll let them breathe a bit and let my damned stubborn nature take over and live in harmony with them.  I won’t be sorry for myself any longer.  I won’t think “I’m sorry I wasn’t what you wanted.”  I am what I want and that is all I need.

“You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.”—Jim Rohn


4 thoughts on “A Warm Embrace of Myself

  1. Your thoughts are always poetic to me. I find comfort in knowing that on many levels our views of self and our methods of motivation are almost one. You are an awesome woman and I am so proud of you and your newly embraced passion! 🙂

  2. Maybe one day you will see more of what your friends like me who love you see: A beautiful woman who makes herself all the more so with how you radiate how you feel about others. I hope all you give comes back to you multiplied….

  3. To Johnny and James, both of you hold a place in my heart…such lovely men with good hearts. If I didn’t know better, I would think we were brothers and sister. Thank you both for all you’ve brought to my life….Johnny over the years, James over the months. I love you both.

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