“Forgive Everyone Everything” is on a list framed on the wall of my den. One of the hardest things to do in life is to forgive everything.
But yesterday, as I sat and thought about it, I decided in this one particular instance to do exactly that.
I was in a short-lived but intense relationship this summer and into the Fall with a man who I cared for greatly. I was happy, and looked forward to seeing him each time he walked through the door, or each time I went to a baseball game and saw him in the dugout.
Understand, he said all the right things, made promises, told me all the things we would do. I was all in….slowly, but all in.
Long story short, he left to go find himself on a trip to his daughter’s house and a trip to his brother’s house. Or that is what he told me. Red flags arose when he wasn’t returning cell phone calls, and I found out from his brother that D hadn’t come to Boston. It didn’t take too much longer for me to be approached in the gym by a very pretty woman asked me if I was D’s girlfriend as she had seen me with him working out. It just escalated from there with three additional women contacting me. It was disheartening, disappointing, painful, and complete, totally over.
I left him a message that said, “I know about the other women, you are really F’d up. Get help.”
I then realized that a few things were missing from my house including a very old St. Christopher Medal that my grandfather gave me thirty years ago. He received it when he went into the Catholic Church many, many years ago. I carried it with my always. D took it. I was pissed. Who does that? Who takes the stuff he took?
I politely sent an email to him and asked him to return all the things he took. I didn’t expect to get the prescription medication back but I did expect an acknowledgment.
Saturday, in the mail, I received a card. Taped inside the card was my St. Christopher Medal. The card reads:
“Thank you for letting me borrow this medal, and thank you for being you. You have so much love to give, and have a wonderful heart…I am so fortunate to have you in my life and I hope you are doing well! Love, D”
I read it and smiled….I didn’t let him borrow anything….not the prescription medication, not the baseball card, not the St Christopher medal. But in his mind he must think I did. I think he is just so messed up that he validates everything he does. I am not in his life but he still writes as if I am. And that is when I decided just to forgive and forget. I got back the one thing I wanted. I won’t have to talk or see him again, and if I do, well, I will be nice.
I feel for someone so terribly messed up. I don’t feel enough to get involved with them again. I do look back to the halcyon days this summer and I was happy, and it was fun, and the sex was good, and it was nice having someone in my life. Ok, so he was saying the same words to others, but you know, it is what it is and it’s done.
I’m not going to hold a grudge. I’m not going to be his friend or his girlfriend. But I really do hope that he finds the peace he needs a good psychiatrist.