Yesterday with the help of my therapist I had one of those “ah-ha” moments. I finally figured out what compels me to “fix” things…or people. It stemmed from childhood and family issues and that is about all I want to say about it here. But it affected me greatly throughout my life and yesterday when the words came out of my mouth for the first time. Then they came out again for the second time last night to a group of people.
It’s out, it makes sense, and I am processing it on an intellectual level and an emotional level. I feel happy to finally realize a tiny piece of what makes me, me.
I still get the feeling inside to say, “if it were me….” and offer a solution. But I no longer say it unless asked for my opinion. If you say, “what would you do?” then I’m going to tell you. That is never going to change. However, I’m not out to fix everyone. I still have strong opinions but I realize, finally, I can only fix myself, and just support friends and family that really need fixing. You know who you are!
Apparently my running career is short-lived and over which is fine. I did what I said I was going to do which was participate in a 5K. I will still continue to participate in 5K’s by walking them. No harm, no shame, no foul.
For Christmas, I am buying myself a bicycle and will get my outdoor cardio exercise this way. Last night I went to Moody’s Jewelry Store and afterwards texted my sister to tell her. She asked if I bought anything for myself as I am prone to do. A simple reply of “Nope” was sent. That money is saved for my bicycle fund.
I’m learning to take things as they come and not stress over them. Why? Because I packed down all of that stuff all my life and it spewed inside of me. If it hadn’t been for the spewing, I wouldn’t have started down the right path of finding myself, improving myself, and being a kind person.
Speaking of that….why do some people have such a hard time with kindness? This morning I stopped at Panera and bought bagels for the office and also did a little pay-it-forward Merry Christmas. I told the cashier I wanted to pay for the person behind me. I thought I was going to have to arm wrestle the next person in line to accept it. She acted bewildered that someone would do this…finally she did. I wanted to say, pardon the pun, “for Christ’s sake take it.” Get it? Christ sake = Christmas.
I sit now and listen to women talk about how their men demean them verbally and I realize how lucky I am to be free of that behavior. The subtle and not-so-subtle twisting of my words, making me doubt myself, disapproving of my actions, are gone from my life. Never before and never again is my motto. I only allowed one man to do it…one too many. I know exactly what I would do now if anyone started that with me…I would laugh at them and walk.
We can always return to our deepest belief by stilling ourselves till our heart—of its own weight—sinks below the noise of the world, below the advice of others, even below our own expectations. Once our heart is still, our mind can relax and we suddenly have the chance to hear what is natural.