A year ago today I was having all Cardiac tests known to St. John’s Cardiac Care. I had funky dyes injected into my body several times, each highlighting a part of my circulatory system. I spent a great deal of time in the Cardiac Nuclear Medicine Department where they would inject isotopes into me that would settle in the valves of my heart. I’m still not so sure that anything that goes into your body and immediately makes you hot is all that good for you.
I was frightened. Thankfully for me I have two people in my life that make me feel instantly safe The minute my sister walked into the Emergency Room I felt calmer. I was scared and didn’t want to admit it, but I did to her. When my brother-in-law came in he always is strong and supportive. I am so blessed to have them in my life.
My heart is good….very strong and without disease.
What a difference a year makes.
This Spring and Summer and Autumn I found myself again. I was lost and unhappy. I am proud to say I worked hard to make myself happy because no-one else could do it.
This Spring and Summer I found that I was desirable, enticing, fun, and flirtatious again. I have to thank K for seeing that in me….for sharing that with me. More than that, thank you for helping me feel again….for seeking adventure again. The first time you kissed me I felt alive again.
Despite the outcome, I have to thank D for an amazing summer. I had fun with you. I really had a great summer with you and I am grateful.
To J, my new big brother. I am continually in awe of your journey to happiness and wellness. I am immensely happy we found such a friendship. I think that a part of my growth and evolution is because of you; your honesty, your sincerity are beyond measure. No one is happier for you and K than I am.
To R, I am tremendously proud of you and all that you have achieved. We have been good friends for over ten years now…can you believe it? I love you and thank you thank you thank you for helping me with the stress and panic attacks. I swear you helped me more than Xanax! Thanks for listening to me about all my ‘stuff’.
For those I’ve mentioned above I love you. Yes, even you D. A part of me will always remember what we shared. Well, what I shared with you, and you with four or five others. I laugh now….because to me it’s just funny.
I am thankful to myself for alleviating the burning love and passion I had for such a long, long time for the man in New Jersey. I truly will always have love for him….but he is out of my head for good and for that I am grateful. Not every love is a love for the ages or meant to be.
I learned this in a few short months, just forgive others and wish them well. Wish them peace in their hearts and troubled minds. I’ve learned not to offer to fix them for I don’t have the power. I’ve learned to fix myself and always be supportive to those who love me and those in need. It’s about all I can do.
To Evelyn Rose and Cora Jane, I worship you, I adore you, I am madly in love with you both and I am so very happy each time you run to me and throw yourself into my arms. You have no idea how very much you warm my heart and make me peaceful with my life. Like I’ve said before if all I ever have is this, it is enough.