This post might have a bit of everything in it as the past few days have been full and I’ve thought of many things.
First, I would like to wish Pat & Bill a very happy 57th wedding anniversary. Pat is my godmother, my cousin, and my second mother. She is the epitome of class and grace and wit and intelligence.
All sadness at the holidays is gone….just fond memories of people who have gone on; funny stories around the dinner table making us all laugh and remember how great a family we do have.
The bulldog in me is gone. I no longer latch onto something with my teeth and refuse to let go. I let go very easily now.
I was searching so long for happiness and it was alluding me. What I THOUGHT I wanted, needed, had to have, wasn’t right for me at all. But what I learned is that chasing happiness is not an answer. I have to let myself be…just settle in my own life with my own gifts and happiness comes.
I’m not in love. I don’t need to be to be happy. I’m very ok with that.
I am all grown up, but not old, not stuck in a rut. My thirst for growth and life has increased.
I hid behind so much shit when I was in my late thirties and early forties. That is so definitely true. I pushed down everything because I was afraid. I was afraid if people saw me they wouldn’t want me. I’ve always had confidence, an outward shield. But inside I was sad. I wasn’t getting what I thought I had to have in order for my life to mean something.
Right now, in this time, I am happy with my little life. I’m happy within my own skin. Having said that, it doesn’t mean that I’m going to stay inert. I means I now have a new lust. A lust for life itself and experiences.
Yes, I miss Europe and I miss all the traveling I used to do….that will come again. I still have my Ireland trip planned and just waiting for me to pull the trigger. I might go alone and see the adventure in that, or I might invite someone who enjoys travel and new places and baby lambs and wild Irish countryside and pubs. Someone that understands my desire to spend one night in a castle.
Life is simple and simple is good for me. The joy of being with tiny little girls that I love, the joy of being with men that are good, dear friends who I can call when I need their shoulder or call just to say hello. One who, is a short while, has become as dear to me as a brother….you listens and smiles with his eyes, who hugs like he means it, and who is joyfully in love with a wonderful woman. One who has is own demons but lives a life of faith, and kindness ,and honesty. He has the terrific voice, and good heart, and he too has found someone to share this with. I look forward with anticipation at diving into the new goals I have set for myself. Some of these goals are continuations of others, some are new and exciting chapters to me….some are small and some are big but worth the effort.
It’s in the effort that I find my soul now. It’s in the work, the hard work, the dedication to myself that I find my strength.
Yes, I am grown up now, grown up and grown out of old bad habits. I’m not a girl any longer but I still enjoy girlish things. I now laugh and smile with true enthusiasm and kindness.
My desire to be perfect is long gone and all the ugly baggage that went with it. Good Lord, I will never be perfect and I revel in my imperfection.
Today, this day after Christmas I am happy for a friend. A friend who knows me better than anyone and will call me out on any bullshit. A friend that “knows” me. He is strong, resilient, gorgeous (well he is), and first and foremost a father. He is a father that has given himself to a daughter who has grown to be as strong, and intelligent, and willful as he. She is, indeed, his daughter. I am happy for a small reconciliation that is built on sixteen years. We’ve been close, we’ve been miles apart, we’ve been loving and loved, we’ve been everything that people can be. I’ve learned the most from this single relationship than any other non-familial relationship.
In two days I celebrate another birthday. I celebrate it because this year I feel reborn and alive and truly, thankfully, happy.
Getting one’s shit together isn’t easy and doing it myself with the right tools and the right people has changed me. Looking at myself in the mirror and saying “who in the world are you kidding?” was the right thing to do.
I’m all grown up now, as I sat with Cora and Evie and played Barbies….and eyed the tin of Tinker Toys wondering when we got to open them and start building. I’m all grown up now emotionally, spiritually, physically….but with a little bit of wide-eyed wonder in experiencing new and wonderful things.
I’ve forgiven myself and past transgressions. I’m loved by a wonderful group of family and friends.
I am happy to be me.
I am happy to say that if you want to be with me, friends, lover, or whatever, you need to know I’m just going to be me, warts and all (I don’t actually have warts). I’m going to continue to question and probe and climb up towards my own enlightenment. But I will embrace those I love, and provide light and love and support at any juncture.
I want to live the life I’ve dreamed for myself…..with or without someone….the LIFE I HAVE dreamed.
Thank you W for the gift you gave me last night.