For many years I wasn’t real. I wasn’t the real me.
I was afraid that I wasn’t good enough and that if someone actually saw the real me they wouldn’t love me. I was unhappy and I was sad and I was stuck.
That was then. This is now.
I did someone very special a disservice by not showing up when I should have for him. I let him down, not once, not twice, but several times. In his eyes, I am not worth the risk any longer and I don’t blame him. I did the dance of the seven veils.
No matter how hard I try or how long I stay away, I cannot rebuild the confidence that he had in me.
It truly is a shame that I was such a schmuck those years ago and because the amount of love and depth of friendship we shared is unlike my other relationships.
I think he is one of a handful of people who I would trust completely and one that inspired me to be the best person I could be.
I write this today because of him and what we once were to each other…and the fact that I miss our friendship, our relationship, the meeting of our minds and hearts.
If there really is a once-in-a-lifetime friendship, the one that expands your heart, and your soul, and your mind, this was it.
I blew it.
For the few years since my parent’s passed away I have changed how I view love and life and what is important to me. The big life went away. My small little life is the life I love.
I have expanded my mind, challenged my body and my spirit, to develop a sense of happiness and truth. I continue to do these things for myself. But, in fact, the happiness and truth I feel passes along to those I am with….at least that is my intention.
I’m sorry I was such a self-deprecating bitch….whose life revolved around spending and being untrue to me.
I pray for him each night that he is happy and healthy and loved. Because no matter if we never see each other, I do care and always will.
I wish that I had the opportunity to show him me now. I can only improve….but I cannot make someone forgive and trust me. That is my regret.