Regret and Truth

For many years I wasn’t real.  I wasn’t the real me.

I was afraid that I wasn’t good enough and that if someone actually saw the real me they wouldn’t love me.  I was unhappy and I was sad and I was stuck.

That was then.  This is now.

I did someone very special a disservice by not showing up when I should have for him.  I let him down, not once, not twice, but several times.  In his eyes, I am not worth the risk any longer and I don’t blame him.  I did the dance of the seven veils.

No matter how hard I try or how long I stay away, I cannot rebuild the confidence that he had in me.

It truly is a shame that I was such a schmuck those years ago and because the amount of love and depth of friendship we shared is unlike my other relationships.

I think he is one of a handful of people who I would trust completely and one that inspired me to be the best person I could be.

I write this today because of him and what we once were to each other…and the fact that I miss our friendship, our relationship, the meeting of our minds and hearts.

If there really is a once-in-a-lifetime friendship, the one that expands your heart, and your soul, and your mind, this was it.

I blew it.

For the few years since my parent’s passed away I have changed how I view love and life and what is important to me.  The big life went away.  My small little life is the life I love.

I have expanded my mind, challenged my body and my spirit, to develop a sense of happiness and truth.  I continue to do these things for myself.  But, in fact, the happiness and truth I feel passes along to those I am with….at least that is my intention.

I’m sorry I was such a self-deprecating bitch….whose life revolved around spending and being untrue to me.

I pray for him each night that he is happy and healthy and loved.  Because no matter if we never see each other, I do care and always will.

I wish that I had the opportunity to show him me now.   I can only improve….but I cannot make someone forgive and trust me.  That is my regret.


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