“In quiet moments when you think about it, you recognize what is critically important in life and what isn’t. Be wise and don’t let good things crowd out those that are essential.”
Intellectually driven like Danica Patrick. I was told this last night by a friend. He considers me a driven woman. Maybe. I certainly used to be.
Who I am and who I was are the same and different. Only those who knew me then and know me now can see. I cannot prove it without just being me now.
The anger, dearest, is gone. The need to prove myself is gone. The bull-dog in me is realized for what it was and suppressed. Flashes of it still show when I am very passionate about something. But my passions have changed.
This post is to address specific issues and changes.
It may be difficult to believe that I am a kinder, gentler me. But in many ways I have always had a very soft heart just layered with hard shell. There was always a door to me that very few, if any, could get through.
What I said last night is indeed the truth. I was afraid to let anyone see my heart, my real heart, because I didn’t think they would love me for me. It took several major occurences in my life to make me realize who I really was and what I wanted. I let things go that I was holding onto for sixteen years. You know those years.
I no longer want to argue the point because I cannot. Going back to that place makes me less of the person I want to be.
None of you really know what I want. There are layers of desires and wishes. But it is simple. I want to give love unconditionally and I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to go to church with someone and sit in the pew and share the experience. I want to touch and be touched. I want to laugh. I want someone’s eyes to light up when I enter the room. I want to be happy, and continue to work to be happy, and understand there will be times when I am sad. But that’s ok.
Don’t you see? I was sad and wandering around trying to be someone I thought I was supposed to be and knowing I was someone else. I disappointed people in my life tremendously by my actions, my inability to be honest, and to show myself.
I wasn’t tangible at moments because I was afraid. I was afraid and weak. So much was expected, and I couldn’t live up to it. So much was expected from me by me and I couldn’t come through.
I cannot make anyone understand….I cannot beg for someone to see who I was then and who I am now because I let it go.
I opened my heart and let out pain but kept it open to let in light and love.
I opened my heart to let in hope.
I am never going to be perfect. I am so happy that I’m not. I cannot be and neither can anyone.
I opened my soul to let in an understanding and a grace that I needed to be who I am now.
No orphanages. That isn’t me. But what I do, in private, on my own, for others is plentiful and extremely private. Do you understand?
The friends I surround myself with now are recipients of that love, I hope they feel it every time they talk with me and are with me. Don’t ask me, ask them who I am.
I pour love on those in my family because that is the most important thing in my life.
I have a small little life now.
I ask “what next”? “what now”? each day because I mean it. I asked it of you. I ask it of myself because I have to keep reminding myself what I want to strive for and what to let go.
If this new me is a disappointment to you, I cannot change that because I don’t want to go backwards to the bad places in my heart.
I’m just here, I’m just me….no one can love a family more, or their friends more.
I am still a bit ornery and always will be…leopard doesn’t completely change its spots.
I know who I am now. I was lost before in my own, self-made, shit storm. Frankly, I just don’t care what people think of me. I know I love myself and the manifestation…always will be a work in progress.
Tangible or not. Here I am. I have forgiven myself.