An old dream, a new passion—going after it may take nerves of steel, but the reward is a pearl beyond price
I have to keep reminding myself of this because I find myself slipping. Second chances rarely happen by chance. The first time might be pure luck but they are notorious for fizzling out. This is when you learn that luck will only take you so far.
I really want a shot at becoming who I really am and I’ve taken massive steps to do this. What troubles me is that I still am stinging from what Dave did to me last summer. I know, I know and I don’t want him back and I’ve made that clear, but it’s hard to grasp how deceitful some people can be. I mean, I know they are, but I feel like I should have been able to see it sooner. I remember how much fun I had last Spring and Summer….how much I laughed and enjoyed myself and I’m grateful for that time no matter how it ended. What still lingers is how easily I was taken in by someone’s dysfunction.
It’s in my head and at time stops me from becoming who I really am. I let the negative creep in and I thought I was finished with it.
I guess what I’m wanting is an explanation and the rational me knows I won’t get one. The emotional me thinks I deserve it. I’ve learned that an idea, ideas alone, can break me out of that state of being. However, the idea that perhaps I’m not destined to be in a long-term, committed relationship with a man has entered my thoughts. Maybe I’m just not cut out for it even though I sincerely want it. Maybe I don’t want it enough to change myself enough.
I know that first chances contain seeds for a second, and a third, and a fourth. That is what I believe. I truly hope these seeds are durable.
Many years ago, a young man in his teens set out on a journey through the mountains. He’d walked for a day and a night when he came upon a cave covered by brambles. Rushing up, he cleared away the vines, and as light streamed in he was dumbfounded to see the largest, most lustrous pearl imaginable. He reached for it, then quickly jumped back as he realized the pearl was grasped in the claws of a ferocious dragon. The dragon’s eyes burned yellow. It roared. He turned and fled.
Returning home, he went into his father’s business. His life prospered, but he never forgot the cave. Many years later, he decided to see if he could find it again and set out for the mountains. He walked for a day and night, then lo and behold! he spied the cave. Creeping up, he slowly pulled back the vines. As the light streamed in, he was astonished to see that the dragon was only a tiny creature. Reaching down, he took the pearl. ”
“That is the pearl of great price. The great price is the struggle to be true to yourself.”
For years starting in 2001 I couldn’t fully come back to life. In limbo, I had the sensation of being muffled in plasticine. I could see out. Nobody could get in. I’d gotten too good at living in the present when that was all I could be certain I had. Now when it was reasonable to make plans, I didn’t. Life washed over me.
I wanted to barrel into my second chances, time be damned, roaring forward on passion as fuel. Part of that came to me December 23 2010; it was a harsh and scary lesson but I needed to feel that bad, that panicked that I would take myself to the emergency room….I was sure that I was having a heart attack and I didn’t want to die. I prayed in the car, on the walk from the car into the doors of the ER, when I was whisked back into a treatment room. I was praying hard…”God, I’ll change, I’ll be different, please let me live.”
I was so scared that when I approached the reception desk in the ER and finally said what I was thinking, “I think I’m having a heart attack”, I started crying.
That was then and this is now and now I need the boost.
It’s through passion that a second chance takes you out of your small self and into your larger self.
These moments don’t happen unless you’re ready for them. You have to do the hard work, before and after.
But I seem stuck emotionally….and I know why and I know what I need to do.