What Is This Feeling?


Today has been a day of emotions and feelings and laughter and tears.

This morning I sat in a standing-room-only First Methodist Church and officially said goodbye to my friend Pam.  She was a wonderful woman, probably one of the best I’ve known.  She had a light inside of her that showed in her eyes and her smile.  She was larger than life, intelligent, witty, kind, driven, beautiful, tall, and we became friends quickly and the past eight years of seeing her monthly made me value our time together.

I sat in Church, my eyes full of tears, thinking that my life is something that I can continue to improve…that time is precious, that love is all around me, and I am going to focus on loyalty, kindness, love, respect, and myself.  I’ve spent the past eleven years basically doing what my family wanted, needed, and expected.  I’m not complaining because I love my family.  But it’s time for me to move forward toward the opportunity…towards the goodness that shines from the East.

I want a family of my own….not babies or children at this point…but a partnership, a life shared.

I had brunch with a good friend…a friend that I enjoy and trust more and more as time goes by.  He and I laugh together and talk which is so beneficial to me.  I am completely at ease and myself with him.  He told me today that I glowed.

I do glow.  My professional life is wonderful….I love the work.  My spiritual life is focused and expanding.  My personal life is slowly and carefully making positive strides.

I want so much more now….and yet such simple things. 

Now to get myself back into the gym five days a week like I was faithfully doing.  It’s a matter of the gym bag in the car at all times so that I can go to the gym on the way home from work.

Thank you…to you….for being you.  For deep in my heart I’ve held you for so long, deep in my mind the memories linger; this sufficed until we met again and more memories could be made.  No looking back at the negative, the slate washed clean with forgiveness and love.  The love I once thought was gone I have now and forever in you.

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